And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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