Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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