Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
