Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
