so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she looked like the before picture.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
