ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
