i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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