Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
