Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
