How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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