ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
