Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
