I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
