You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
