So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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