if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
