She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
