I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
