Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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