there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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