Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
