is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
