sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
