i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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