You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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