I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
