I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
