can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
