I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
