I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
