why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
