the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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