My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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