First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
