Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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