he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
