I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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