ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
