he wants to bone in the snuggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
