i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
