Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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