You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
