He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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