Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
