The best revenge is premature balding
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
