The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
