i just wanna soil my oats bro
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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