Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
