I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
