dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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